Steam Winter Sales: You Don’t Know Me at All

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The time of year that Gamers both love and hate.

Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash

I’m a gamer. Self-identified or otherwise, gamers are a diverse group of people who have one thing in common: we’re all on game mailing lists from Nintendo to Steam. In the gamer world, no thought is held sacred, no idea untouched.

And while there’s no specific internet rule for the spread of random game lore like Rule 34, there is a suspiciously rich world of games that aren’t exactly mainstream.

Which brings me to my Steam Winter Game Sale Recommendations. Theoretically, my recommendations are based on the games that I have, that I’ve clicked on to look at, or that I’ve played. In theory.

However, what I’ve got on my list doesn’t for one moment represent anything I’ve ever played with the one exception of Monster Prom. And I hardly think playing through a game once qualifies me for the following suggestions (click on the titles at your own peril/nsfw):

HuniePop. The game bills itself as part dating sim, while being a puzzle game and having rpg elements. It swears it has plenty of “plot.” (The quotation marks are theirs not mine.)

Dream Daddy. Lucky me, I get to play a dad looking to get a man, possibly even a goth dad. (Is that really serious dating criteria?) But also, does this mean I’m also pretending to have kids while I go on a manmeat exploration of epic datingness? I hope not.

Doki Doki Literature Club! Not for children and apparently disturbing. Oh, yeah, and I get to ‘write’ my way into cute girls’ lives. Why? No really. Why?

Blush Blush. Twelve guys are cursed, and you can only save them with your love. I’m not into saving anyone with my love, much less twelve of them. And also, what did this group of guys do to get cursed in the first place? Answer that question first and maybe I’d save one of them, but requiring me to love twelve guys isn’t compelling enough to spend any money to find out the reason.

Amorous. Create a character and go on a dizzying dating spree with whatever random creatures you feel like hooking up with. Someone’s fantasy life is rich, but also exhausting.

Coming Out On Top. Gay dating sim. I don’t even own The Sims. Spending money to exclusively have sim dating adventures seems like a random life choice at the moment. I cringe to think what their idea of “bizarrely comedic adventures” might be. Diving into a waterslide while wearing helium underpants and scuba gear, maybe?

Last, but not least, Kindergarten. For those of us who want to act like children while surviving homicidal killing sprees and entertaining serial killer hobbies. I honestly don’t know why this was in my feed, but of the seven I listed, this one is probably the only one I’d look at. Or at least it was until I watched the video as cutesy music played and the adults in the game started killing kids indiscriminately. For someone who regularly imbibes horror, I wasn’t quite ready for the jarring dissonance.

Steam had many other suggestions in the pile, but this time I think I’ll put my credit card away for real life choose my own adventures instead.

Photo by Doran Erickson on Unsplash